Weigh in, Bump Update Week 29, and Pregnancy Trends I Refuse to Follow

First off,
BOOM

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Pregnancy makes weight loss/gain so unpredictable. Is it fluid retention? Am I growing a sumo wrestler in there? Who knows.

Week 29 of pregnancy has been rough. I’m more tired than ever, heartburn is horrible, and I’m scared to laugh, sneeze, or stand up too fast. Constant fear of peeing your pants sucks. I think it’s just preparation for old age.

There will be no bump picture today because it’s 3:40 in the morning and I’m in my robe. I was starving so I weighed in and had my middle of the night snack. Don’t judge. It’s hard growing a kid. Last week looks a lot like this week

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Extra large.

I have been thinking a lot about the latest pregnancy trends. I am pretty solid on the ones I won’t participate in.

1) There will be none of this

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Or this

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going on with Bump. I know these are creepy ones and that people have beautiful maternity pictures taken where they are laying blissfully in a field at sundown with their bare belly showing. And that’s great. But I’m 31 years old.

Thirty-one.

I’m too damn old to be hanging all out for the world to see. I’m not even sorry if that offends some 31 year old mother that chose to do this. I think half naked belly pictures are tacky. Clothed ones are more my speed. Maybe it’s because before my gut was inhabited by Bump it housed my food baby for years. I wouldn’t have laid out in a field with my beer belly hanging out with a seductive grin on my face holding a cheeseburger. Makes no difference to me whether it not it’s fat or a baby in there, the only person that’s seeing it is the man that put it in there and the one that pulls it out and any nurses and hospital staff that have to.

You are welcome, internets.

2) I have no intention of making a “birth plan”. My birth plan is to have a baby. I have a planned C-section, but who knows what will happen. I could go into labor so fast that there is no time for a c section. Sure, I have things I want and don’t want. But the list isn’t even long enough to put pen to paper. I feel confident that I can communicate these things to the hospital staff and everyone else involved without having a spreadsheet to pass around.

3) This

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will not be in our little ones nursery. Seriously, will this pattern never die? I have a theory that in 20 years chevron print will be very much like the baby shit green kitchen appliances I grew up with. Actually it’s humorous to even refer to where our kid will sleep as a nursery because we live in a one bedroom apartment. So yeah, the nursery starts where the crib begins at the foot of our bed. If I had to look at that pattern all day everyday I’d get dizzy. Die, Chevron.

4) I don’t care whether I have a baby shower or not. It’s my first baby. But it’s my second marriage. All of my friends have kids that range in age all the way up to 13 years old. Matt and I have gotten almost everything we need for this baby from family (high five my brother for having 3 kids and plenty of nursery furniture), Craigslist (most recently scored a Dutailier glider/ottoman for cheap), or good old fashioned cash money that we scrounged up ourselves. I see no reason to have a shower except for the benefit of other people to drink punch and play those annoying games everyone hates. If anyone wants to shower us with rent money, make it rain y’all!

5) I will not be making a plaster mold of bump.

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I mean really. We struggle to find space to hang picture frames. I’m fast forwarding to my kid bringing friends home and seeing this giant thing on the wall. No.

I feel like I’ve had my head screwed on straight for most of my pregnancy. Maybe it’s because instead of worrying about silly shit like nursery design, belly molds, and maternity photo shoots I’ve had to worry about real problems like is Matt going to be working by the time I go on leave from work? Will we starve? Will we be able to pay rent? Will the immigration people think that this is some crazy arranged marriage and deport him? Will I ever be able to hold my pee again?

Some days I feel absolutely insane. But every day I feel loved.

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Me and Bump are going to curl back up with the Brit. He’s cozy on a cold night.

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10 Responses to Weigh in, Bump Update Week 29, and Pregnancy Trends I Refuse to Follow

  1. Adelyn says:

    “Some days I feel absolutely insane. But every day I feel loved. ” Greatest sentence I have read this week! And every one of your “won’t do”s is stop on. Hope the next few weeks are wonderful…and by that I mean pee free.

  2. Great post! All your “won’t do”s made me smile. Hang in there. You are in the home stretch!

  3. Jess says:

    One day at a time, that’s all you can do. Those lil babies have this amazing ability to make everything just work out, maybe not how you thought it would but it will be ok in the end .

    And get on the keigals woman… Trust me they help with the peeing oneself all the time :-)

  4. Erin says:

    I could not agree more with your list, especially the naked belly photos and the mold. Those have always creeped me out.

    You look adorable and so happy. And I love your red coat!

    • Thanks Erin! That’s last years Calvin Klein winter coat. Can’t sit down with it buttoned, but it sure is warm.
      I’d also like to add to the list “push presents”. We can’t afford one of those.

  5. Adrienne says:

    No, you will never be able to hold your pee again. I jumped on the trampoline with my girl earlier.

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